As a public service, Fear Not Drowning presents...FIVE EASY STEPS TO...
In these strong economic times, it is our duty as the "X-Generation" to prove that we are indeed the slackers that the media makes us out to be. What better way to do this than to try to earn a coveted spot in unemployment lines? In this vein, we offer five tips sure to gain the respect of 401(k)ers everywhere. 
1. Take a Job you Hate. How much simpler a start can you get? Any one will do...cafe worker, postal clerk, assembly line, phone operator, data entry, meat packing...so long as the work is vile enough to ensure that within the first week you will have alienated your boss, your co-workers, and your friends, who will rapidly tire of hearing you bitch about it. Speaking of which... 2. Make Noise About It. Nothing bothers a would-be ex-employer more than employees who bring to her/his attention dangerous or unfair working conditions, concerns about product quality, or difficulties with co-workers. Nothing, that is, except employees who try to do something about it. 3. Have an All-Consuming Passion ...for something besides your job. Preferably something that keeps you up late at night, that will make you tired, cranky or otherwise difficult at work the next day. Talk endlessly about it, how much you prefer doing it, and how someday it's going to make you rich. Suggested hobbies: playing in a band, art, producing a 'zine, semi-professional sports, alcoholism, sex. 
4. Watch the Industry This requires a little more effort. Choose a job that may have a time limit already. Refuse vehemently to learn other skills that may aid you at another company. Wait until your company is starting to flail; then begin criticizing upper management's business practices. Logically critique the business plan. 5. If All Else Fails... WALK. If, for some reason, you've been trying this hard to lose your job, and your employer still recognizes that despite your flaws you're still the best thing who's walked into her/his office in years, it's time to take matters into your own hands. Make a scene. Make it big. Use your natural artistic flair for the maximum drama. Suggested behaviors: Throwing things, crying, theft, creatively using bodily fluids. That's it! You're free of the evil corporate structure that has oppressed you for so long! Maybe you should start your own business now...take a vacation...ask mom and dad for more money...then again, that coffee bar has a position open now...I'm sure you're qualified for it...the hours aren't bad.... |